Lying in intimate relationships - what's the harm?

Most of us would say we want our partner to be totally honest with us - that's what builds trust, right?

Finding out that my partner has spent time with someone else behind my back, and perhaps even 'crossed the line' with them into emotional or physical intimacy may be a deal-breaker.

It's important though, without excusing the real hurt that can be caused when someone has been dishonest, or at least withheld the truth about what they are doing, to understand what function lying serves not just the person doing it, but your relationship.

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Rebuilding trust: where "trust issues" meet "untrustworthiness" in intimate relationships

Trust is integral to intimate relationships - it's not only the foundation on which everything else is built, it is also the glue that holds the relationship together. For many of us, trust is not easily given to another person where we have been let down in the past.

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Is unresolved trauma affecting the way you see your partner?

Many of us have experienced interpersonal trauma during our growing up years. Interpersonal trauma is different from other kinds of trauma in some important ways. Traumatic events such as having a car accident or surviving a natural disaster like the bushfires, for example, do not necessarily affect our interpersonal relationships in a negative way, although of course there may be other severe and long-reaching effects from which we need to heal.

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Is your lack of confidence or low self-esteem causing problems in your relationship?

Do you suffer from problems with low self-esteem, or lack of confidence? Are you someone who struggles to keep your own needs and wants in mind when your partner is strongly asserting what s/he needs or wants from you? Or conversely, do you lose sight of what your partner needs or wants when your own strong emotions take hold? Perhaps you experience both of these at different times?

If so, it's likely that your lack of confidence in knowing what you want and how to articulate this to your partner is negatively affecting your relationship.

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"What makes love last?" by John Gottman: a book review

There's a reason why so many fairy tales and romantic comedies end with a first kiss, a proposal or even a wedding. Falling in love is easy -- it's STAYING in love that can be the challenge.

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