Whether we've ever thought about it or not, we have all formed strong beliefs about emotions. Our families are the first place we learn about this - our parents' response to us when we were happy, sad, angry etc communicated messages about how to be with those feelings. We tend to take these into our relationships with our partner and our own kids, without necessarily having given then much thought.
Our beliefs about emotions tend to fall into one of the following categories:-
For those of us who are struggling to make this decision in our intimate relationship, the reasons why may be many and varied.
Sometimes those reasons are clear cut - even though it will be hard to do, deep down I know it's the right thing to do for me. Or the reverse - even though it will be a lot of hard work, deep down I know it will be worthwhile to stay and work things out.
It's hard enough at the best of times to stay in good control of our reactions when our partner is saying something we may find difficult to hear.
For those of us who have had traumatic experiences in relationship - especially early in life, in families who may have not been able to meet our emotional needs, it's even harder to do this.
It's a challenge at the best of times to achieve an optimal state of balance - time for yourself, time as a couple, time to complete paid and unpaid work - and if you have kids, time as a family and ideally some 1:1 time between each child and parent. The festive season adds a few more challenges to maintaining a relational balance, the lead-up to Xmas particularly often feeling like a mad scramble to get everything done and honour commitments to catching up socially with friends, colleagues and extended family.
We all love to spend Xmas with our loved ones - this may include family members we don't see much of at other times. For many of us, Xmas symbolizes a time when we connect and come together to express our caring and love for each other - celebrating our closest relationships. We may look over photo albums together, or have other rituals that help us to remember cherished memories of time together.
After a few years of marriage, sex becomes routine, right? Most of us resignedly trade the passion of courtship for the predictable humdrum of parenthood, work, and weekends spent trying to catch up on sleep and housework. Proposed solutions to this problem abound. Talk show experts suggest a week at an island resort, or a skimpy outfit from Victoria's Secret, while therapists prescribe sensate focus and communication exercises.
There's a lot of talk out there about differences between men and women - blogs, books etc that put forward ideas about how we may be hardwired differently.
The truth is - it's not about being male or female. However, our upbringing, life experiences, and yes, our gender too, do shape how we learn to percieve the world and respond to others.
For most of us, the journey toward becoming parents is an exciting one. From making the decision as a couple that it's time, trying to fall pregnant, the elation (and all other sorts of feelings!) associated with being pregnant, to the life-altering experience of bringing a new life into the world and being responsible for caring for a little one.
No matter how eagerly anticipated though, no-one can really prepare us for the huge changes that becoming parents means for our sense of ourselves, and for our relationship with our partner.
Many couples come to counselling believing that their problem is that they don't communicate well or that they need better skills to resolve conflict in a more constructive way. On the surface, this may well seem to be the case - they've noticed that they listen poorly, or struggle to express themselves in a way that their partner can hear without feeling judged or attacked.
