Many of us have experienced interpersonal trauma during our growing up years. Interpersonal trauma is different from other kinds of trauma in some important ways. Traumatic events such as having a car accident or surviving a natural disaster like the bushfires, for example, do not necessarily affect our interpersonal relationships in a negative way, although of course there may be other severe and long-reaching effects from which we need to heal. Interpersonal trauma is where a person or people treated you in a way that has caused you to experience fear - physically, emotionally or psychologically. This happens with childhood abuse or neglect, bullying etc. It can also occur around a non-interpersonal traumatic event, where people do not respond in a way that meets your needs after the event. An example of this may be where someone has lost their home after a natural disaster, but is not given practical as well as emotional support to rebuild their lives, and may even be looked at in a negative way for failing to cope.
Past interpersonal trauma can have a devastating effect on future relationships. You may become fearful of letting someone close, in case they hurt you as you have been hurt in the past - this is often in conflict with another part of you that longs to be nurtured and loved. Partners can become very confused at what appear to be mixed messages - one moment you're asking them to be close, the next you're pushing them away.
Life stages that bring up feelings associated with past trauma can change the way we see our partners - it's like a switch has been flicked in our brains, and our partner appears to us like the person who abused us in the past. A common trigger for this is becoming dependent on our partner (dependency is a trigger because children are often dependent on the person who is meant to love and protect them, but that person may either be the abuser, or be unable to protect them from the abuser. Without help, a child's solution to ending the abuse is to become independent and avoid situations where they will be dependent and therefore vulnerable to further abuse). An example of this may be where a woman chooses to stay at home with her new baby, and is for the first time in her relationship financially dependent on her partner.
If you suspect this may be happening in your relationship, the following questions may clarify is this is the case.
- Do I think my partner is abusive or neglectful of my needs?
- Do those who love and care about me think my partner is abusive or neglectful of my needs?
- Do I think this when I am calm as well as when I am feeling upset?
- Do we get into conflicts that are repetitive and hard to understand once we have stepped away from them?
- Can I notice a pattern of how I have viewed my partners in more than one relationship, that is somewhat like the way I have seen someone who abused me in the past?
