We all have a pretty clear picture of what it feels like to have the balance right in our relationships - when it's going well we feel connected, heard and understood by our partner. We use expressions like "we're able to work as a team", "we trust each other", "we're able to talk through issues and work things out" to capture our sense that things are as they should be.
When our relationship is out of balance, as well as feeling that these things are no longer happening, we may complain that we are not being listened to or understood by our partner. We may also experience a profound sense of loneliness and loss - loss of the relationship we did have, and even a sense of anger or frustration that it's happened.
When relationships are going well, we use a number of strategies to maintain balance in an ongoing, dynamic way. These may include:-
- letting my partner know that s/he's upset me, and that s/he needs to say or do something to make me feel better.
- either withdraw or feel the need to be more intensely connected than usual.
- experience more conflict than usual, about things that may or may not be directly connected to the underlying issue that has created the imbalance.
- draw on extra resources (family, friends, professional counselling) to get support either individually or as a couple.
- one partner develops a serious and chronic illness
- the arrival of a child
- children moving out of home
- moving interstate or overseas
- one partner moves into a job that pays more, and/or requires more time and energy that the previous job
- Who am I now? Who is my partner now?
- Who do I aspire to be in this stage of my life? What relationship do I want to have that supports this?
- What sort of partner do I aspire to be, given our current situation?
- A woman who has stayed at home to raise her children decides she wants to have a career, now the children are older. She needs her husband to pick up more of the unpaid workload at home. After struggling with this initially, he is able to see it as an opportunity to step back a little from his very stressful job, and to create a better work/life balance for himself.
- A couple where one partner has been diagnosed with chronic illness have some difficult but frank discussions about what the illness will mean for their sex-life. They agree to work with the doctor to experiment with medications that affect the unwell person's libido less, even if this means the medication is slightly less effective in managing his symptoms.
